This is what adolescence did to me. Useful objects were not used precisely because they were very useful and therefore somehow uncool. Up until a few years ago I had that wierd sub-conscious aversion to umbrellas you mentioned and I think it’s because only old women (who knows where all the old men were) seemed to use them. Perhaps that’s the sign that you’ve made it to adulthood, when you can actually feel comfortable walking down the street with an umbrella.

Anyhow, for the last month or so almost every day upon my bicycle – since that moment when I unthinkingly refused those mudguards – a stream of puddle water not unlike a drinking fountain has been spraying up in a light mist from beyond my lower back right up to the top of my head. Even sitting at a desk with a damp arse for the day the idea of getting new ones rarely crosses my mind. This is a remnant I’m sure of that same adolescent umbrella syndrome.

I’ve seen pictures of orang-utans cleverer than me holding palm leaves over their heads to shield themselves from the rain. That’s the correct thing to do. Going by this alone it is not entirely clear which one of us is the higher primate, but the orang-utan is definately drier and understands when the most appropriate moment to use certain objects is. If that orang-utan with the leaf could ride a bicycle I’d bet he’d use mudguards.

Also, I hope those fabric paints are waterproof.